Please refer to the “About” tab to read about my overall therapeutic training and experience.
Experience in Couples work:
I first began working with couples in 1989 whilst at the Commonwealth Rehabilitation Services specialist acquired brain injury rehabilitation service in Ascot Vale in Melbourne. In this setting couples were going through massive change and on ongoing grieving process. This led to my commencing training in Family Therapy which included components of Couples Therapy. I continued intermittent couples work at the Transport Accident Rehabilitation Hospital Head Injury Unit in Glen Waverley in Melbourne. This continued and intensified during my 12 years at Eastern Access Community Health in the Problem Gambling Service, during which time I completed my Masters In Family Therapy.
Although much of my couples work has been in specialist areas, it is very clear to me that there are many themes that are common to any couples, as verified in my couples work in private practice.
Models of practice:
My couples work is informed by broad training in Family Therapy, CBT and psycho-dynamic therapy. More specifically it takes in the research of John Gottman and ideas from Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), which places our attachment needs at the centre of relationship breakdown. Put simply this means that when our sense of safety and connection with our partner is damaged, deep abandonment feelings are triggered leading to fight and withdrawal responses. A key aim of therapy is to reach behind these responses to help you reconnect at a deeper level.
Some of the questions I am always holding when I see a couple are:
What are the longings, hurts and losses that lie beneath the withdrawal/anger/ sadness/ anxiety that each person carries?
What is the emotional style and way of thinking of each partner and how might they be inadvertently misunderstanding each other?
What explicit or implicit understandings/ contracts have been broken in roles and expectations, perhaps without the other person even fully realising the impacts?
Couples work is challenging and multi-layered. It is not just about communication skills but understanding the neurology of stress and attachment vulnerabilities. If one or other member of the couple is pushed beyond their ability to cope they will tend to slide into their limbic “fight and flight” brain. In that state, thinking becomes narrowed and the person will show their particular mixture of fight, flight or freeze. Some people tend to become very angry/ full of rage and the risk of domestic violence escalates. Some people tend to withdraw (flight) emotionally, physically or sexually. This can trigger abandonment issues in the other person which can then cause escalations in anger and attempts to control the person who has withdrawn.
It is important to understand that the limbic brain in “attack mode” is designed to do just that. It is an “act first, think later” circuit. It is an un-socialised part of our brain that is wired to detect threats to physical or emotional safety. It tends to bypass our language centres and is a faster circuit than the reflective part of our brain. That is partly why people often report a sense of watching themselves act outrageously or withdrawing, but feeling powerless to stop.
Often, by the time a couple comes for therapy, these limbic responses have tended to take over and each partner has behaved hurtfully towards each other many times. This may be in the form of aggression, threat, withdrawal of affection, rejection, criticism, shutting down, subtle attacks on the other person, acting out through affairs or addictions.
Some things to expect in couples therapy:
Below are some of the processes and themes that may be involved in therapy (I would want to discuss this with you to work in a collaborative way, using some of these ideas as anchoring points to work from):
1. The pattern of how you have been relating, including the strengths of the relationship and the disruptions in connection (attachment) need to be explored. With more accurate information about attachment responses we can begin to find ways to disrupt negative patterns and foster connection at a deeper level. This may include looking at the cascade of “harsh start up”, criticism, defensiveness, shutting down and contempt that can creep into a relationship and how each of these presents an opportunity for change and connection.
To have a chance to heal it is imperative that each person look at their part in the pattern and make heartfelt apologies where appropriate. If one person has become abusive in the relationship or acted out in particularly destructive ways, it is that person who needs to make the first move in this regard. And so, there is a need to name and acknowledge the hurts that have occurred to see if a sense of forgiveness can be brought to each other.
In this process it is important that each person take FULL responsibility for any destructive behaviour. That is, no matter how you perceive your partner has behaved or how badly they actually have behaved, you always have a choice as to how you respond.
Genuine listening and hearing the hurts of the other, without defensiveness, can go a long way to creating a new platform on which to build. However this is just a first step. In my experience it does not work in the long term to label one person as “bad” and the other person as a “victim”. This leads to the next step.
2. If one partner has done something particularly destructive they need to genuinely reflect on this and take responsibility for the impact. However there is a risk that, in their panic and anxiety at the damage, they become overly compliant and the underlying issues that led to the bad behaviour in the first place, go underground. It is important to name this risk and ensure that this does not occur. The couple need to reach a position where they are both prepared to look at the underlying issues and how they may be contributing to what has happened. This means stepping away from the victim and perpetrator positions to bring curiosity to what has happened between them.
3. Mixed in with all this we may explore: the dynamics of how you got together; what you love about each other; the differences and issues in family of origin and in the meeting of families; hopes & dreams for the future; assumptions and implicit contracts brought into the relationship; inevitable disappointments, trials and tribulations.
4.. Alongside this there may need to be an examination of the structural stresses the relationship is under so that steps can be taken to minimize and prevent overload. This is because talking will not help much if you are chronically overloaded and constantly living in your reactive limbic brains. Failing to address this means you will learn and understand how to behave differently but you won’t be able to change because once you are in your limbic brain you will not be able access this information in a way that you can use it. This can then lead to an escalation in stress as you blame yourself and the other for not changing!
5. Depending on the phase of your relationship and your life, it may also be crucial to look at archetypal themes and individual predispositions. A common example is midlife when one or other partner is called to investigate new dimensions of oneself. If this call is not taken seriously, that person can begin to feel very unhappy in the relationship and believe it is because of the relationship rather than their own task of self exploration. This is the “life not lived” that we can tend to blame the relationship for.
I hope these notes may be of some value in giving you a sense of the work we might do.